My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
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I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
a badder mouse
why isn’t he texting back
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”