Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
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An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
<—- homeless romantic
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.