TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
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I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.