You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
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Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.