Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
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[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I feel it
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
guys i’ve cracked the code
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE