No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
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“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.