My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
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Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Self-cleaning conscience
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.