Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
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Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
stop
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Herpes is trending, good job people