Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
You Might Also Like
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Dishonest mechanic?
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning