My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
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*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.