You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
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amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.