*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
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HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I am never leaving this website
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.