You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
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The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.