Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
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I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think