Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
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[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Cndnsd Mlk
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.