I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
You Might Also Like
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order