Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
You Might Also Like
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!