I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
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Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
everyone has that one prude friend
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!