Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
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nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face