I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
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Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes