Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
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bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.