My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
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My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!