Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
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“I FIXED IT!”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
The human personality is made of five key elements
Spring of Deception
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.