My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
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Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.