All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
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I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”