I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
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Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home