QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
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We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Take my advice, I’m not using it.