Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola