[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
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[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Did I do this right
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”