Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
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Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Hard not to take this personally
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.