Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
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If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex