*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
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My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
When I can’t barge, I careen.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her