I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
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“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I put the h in mysterious.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
for all #parents out there
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.