Hello, my name is Pierre.
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Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
(True)
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Oceanography is all about current events