My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
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Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
LOL!
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us