Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
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What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
*skinny dips into black hole
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today