I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
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My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.