[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
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A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.