Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
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SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.