Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
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I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT