Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
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My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
(True)
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
the clam before the storm
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.