Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
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How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.