Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
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Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Breaking news:
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months