Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
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If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.