Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
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I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, āthatās niceā and asked me to get her a glass of water.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream āwas limited to those aged 6+.ā
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile youāre sitting there texting your ex again
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. š
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like āmemorize sidesā and ālook like an actual personā
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like ānever have to leave your homeā and ārecord in the nudeā
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Friend: Iāve been so productive lately! Today Iām gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: Thatās awesome. Iām gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that Iāve been smelling all day.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why donāt they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith youāre more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you donāt do the work
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t