absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
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[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Why I divorced her.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.