2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
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Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
There’s only one good girl here!
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.