current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
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I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us