[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
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2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!