Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
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Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Mistakes were made
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.